Simple Card Game For Everyone!
Requiring only Luck and My Strategy.
IT CANNOT FAIL!
It is ME! Brno Jerevani ! International SEX MACHINE and Most Famous Squalo! Player in all Carpathian Gambling Meccas! (But not Serfjü! Brno is banned from this asstight casino for stupid misunderstanding. All who live in Serfjü are born of goat fathers)
I am here to teach you my incredulous secrets to win easy everybody’s money that isn’t learning…
Patent Pending Amazing Brno Method to Win at Squalo!!!™
In easy only ONE LESSON only! And then 10 lessons more! Only!
Okay. Shut up.
Squalo! is excitement to every one at all fine gambling casino resorts from Sevastopol to Krakow! It is More Popular Than Vlinka, Chukchi Poker, Soviet Roulette and Four Card Stiletto Combined!
Holy Mother of Baby Jesus!!!! Now you will play Squalo! and Win! Every Time! Brno Style©!
Billionaires with movie star girlfriends in Moldava are playing big stakes. NOW. Belarus, Minsk, Chernobyl, Irkutsk too!
But they all lose to me, Brno Jerevani son of Vasili! They weep and offer first born male children to know my Secret Technicality. In Bulgaria too! And very soon? New Jersey and Canadian cities of Toronto and Brooklyn.
Why does Brno have to brag? I am the Kruschev of Squalo!
Soon it’s Vegas Baby for Brno! And Arizona, Texas!
Hey! I teach already the Barno Secret Method® to also Tom Cruise, President Arnold Schwarzeneger, Pamela Anderson and James Bond. All now rich. Not bankrupt like Bosnian shit-eater Kranov Limsk who lies to world to say HE is world greatest expert of Squalo! ??? This is same one who wears fake Rolex??? Brno swears on mother’s grave he will make this criminal barbecue his own heart and feed to me like crispy Caucausus Rodent!
(See signed testamentals from famous and rich below pages!)
So time for beginning is now. Not even in ten minutes.
How to play Squalo!
It is easy. Squalo! is simple game even Slovak can learn. Rules easy to remember… but sometimes change depending whether Serbian is dealer or is drinking too much (rare). Or by angry, losing players when they withdraw MaK 9 mm from groin holster. Brno preferring Czech Mauser 7.62 mm. which is NATO round and cheap and concierge can get this for easy for you.
Rule number one: have powerful friends before you are coming in Squalo! Pit. Brno has former Stasi/KGB close behind himself breathing heavy to kill everyone. But not ME!!! Now YOU soon are also Oligarch using Brno Method* (* Patented!).
Squalo! is played with usual cards, but all “4” cards are removed. Also adding one extra “8” card which must be Spade or Red Card. Kings have no value. Except King of Diamonds which is same as Jack of Diamonds unless it is dealt before a “7” card or a “3” of Spades only. Then it is more value than Face Card. Until it is placed on top of first card not discarded by player to left of dealer. Then it is Purge Card.
Each person now not having Purge Card is “LEPER” and this person can only bet on own cards until he receives a “Dissident Card” (9 of Spades) never revealed to himself or other players. It is always clever to keep card like this as “Internal Passport” in secret pocket of Brno’s Almost-Armani!® suit jacket. MUST contain proper visa stamp!!!
Blood Oath card in Squalo! is any hidden card dealt to immediate left and is “Lubyanka Trump“. Or right of dealer. You never know when you are dealt this card until it is too late! DO NOT LET DEALER DEAL YOU THIS CARD!!!!
Strategy of Squalo! is make non-linear straight of no sequence and no Two Cards can have Same Suit. Therefore is most random hand always wins.
Best Hand in game is a 5, 7, Jack all from different suits. Like Croation Family. Ha Ha. Only making fun! Brno fucking love Croats like they are my brothers! Even the women!
Worst Hand, of course is 3, 6, Queen. all Hearts. However, 3, 6, King All Suits is ‘Troika’ and value can be added to points in player’s current hand on rounds following.
In Squalo! Nobody Can Leave Table. Even after last hand is played. Ever. Is why Squalo! also called “Gulag Pinochle”. And invented in Black Dolphin prison. Players bring Peroshki in their pockets. And piss in empty vodka bottle. Casino sends Chechen teens to fetch bread for those who pay.
After you wake up other players are gone. This it is why is very important to always win.
Woman are not allowed to play Squalo because they are weak and stupid.
Remember every card dealt to all players for entire evening- so you predict which cards will be best to receive in each deal. My secret technique is to bring young womens wearing sexy clothes to count cards for you. I call these girls ‘apparatchiks’ and I give to them generous percentage of winnings. If there is no winnings they make no money and must return to their villages in shame.
Dealer gives all players 6 cards. But not you. You get only five and must bet only not on your own hand. All cards are dealing face down. Except for player to Dealer’s Right. His cards are face up, but he may not look at them until game is over. This player must be very lucky or bring enough money to buy the favor of other players.
First person to play most random hand takes 50% of pot. Dealer takes rest, but must pay off players who let him be Dealer. This is one way Squalo! also is interesting; Side-Deals are constant like oil drilling rights in Caucusus. Or catching fish in Lake Bakal. Sometimes you hook Carp, sometimes you catch Sturgeon.
Wait here. Brno must make phone call.
Okay. I am back. Did you send transfer moneys yet? No time like present! Hold all questions until moneys are transferred!!!!
Betting in Game of Squalo!.
Player bets on three cards. He must NOT say which three card he bets on. Others make wager on bettor’s cards unless they think they are superior persons than bettor. If money is given in envelope to Dealer before beginning it is assuring better cards when next hand is dealt.
It is like everything in life!
When betting stops, dealer puts on blindfold and deals each player additional card. He does not “see” his own card but can feel what card is by pin pricks in corner- that he is making himself before game.
Betting in Squalo! is like cross-eyed Magyar from provinces who comes to capitol with holes in his underwear to sell Volga Beets. He must listen to breathing of other players to see if they are excited or have terror in their hearts. If he hears someone sneeze, then this player is one he bets against.
Will he return home with barley and yams to feed children? Or will be having to mine Uranium sludge in Turkjestan for five years? This is what makes Squalo! exciting- much is at stake! There will be great suffering and despair? (Odds go 79% this direction) or Abnormal Triumph and Ascent to Heaven???
Sometimes if he hears other player crying, he will remember his own village and feel sadness for them and give them one more card. This is risky however because he does not see dealer’s card (of course) and might bet against himself. But such is sad plight of all Slavic Peoples.
Betting in Squalo! continues until dealer decides it is enough. He then says,
Betting stops and Tatar players with handguns turn off “Safety” switch. Exciting??? FUCK YES!!! The Cossacks are Here! Raping! Pillaging! Betrayal! Execution! Despair!
Brno is HARD as ROCK thinking about joy of game!!!
TWO important New Words for playing Squalo!:
You do not KNOW these essential words for playing Squalo! ???
You are fucking stupid! You are Peasants. Only Brno can save you. If Brno decides to teach you Secret Method? Then you must go on knees to Saint Stanislav and thank HIM that Brno has taken you under his protection!!!!
Wait! You are even so lucky more than you are knowing. You are Rare Opportunities! Now you are able NOW to purchase Barno’s Dictionary of “Squalo! Words to KNOW and Also Phrases of Squalo!” Low price today only! With 50% discount if you are at same paying hard currency.
I fucking LOVE you peoples! Brno is ALL HEART. And you are like goddamned Cossack family! Brno gives everything Brno fucking has to help you one last time!!! Because you are Fucking Prince!!!
ON MY GRAVE I SWEAR THIS SOLEMNITY!!!!
Now give me fucking money. Brno is weary. He has given you fucking everything and he asks nothing in return. You are Brno’s fucking eternal friends! Brno is here with you for fucking ever. You can ALWAYS count on Brno.
REMAINING Lesson Books For Brno’s Classified Squalo! Secret Technique with Color Illustrations in Full Detail… ONLY 690 EUROS!!!
TRUE WORDS OF FAMOUS PEOPLE TO HONOR
BRNO SECRET METHOD™®©
”I am Tom Cruise famous star of IMPOSSIBLE MISSION. Before learning Brno Secret Method® I lose every night to depraved homosexual Jon Travolga at Scientology Celebrity Centre. Now every night I win everything he has. He must live in alley eating rotten fish and will freeze in wintertime to death. Thank you, Brno. What is mine is yours forever.”
“I am President Arnold Schwarzenegger. I earn impossible wealth from learning Brno Secret Method®. Enough to buy presidency over inferior American peoples. Brno sleeps at my dacha when he is coming and we fuck so many tall women together! All blonds! Brno is fucking Prince”
“I am Pamela Anderson, amazing star of Watch the Bay. After Brno teaches me also amazing method I take all of my criminal ex-husband’s money from him Malibu Casino. Then we make love 2 weeks without stopping to eat or drink. He is man of longevity and big heart. He can be trusted with everything I own. And you too!”
“I am James Bond, most famous spy. Ever. State Secrets permit James to only be saying Brno Method® is true effective way to take fortune from enemy. Vladimir P. uses Brno Method® to win back Crimea but I cannot say this. Please forget NOW or I am Licensed to Kill you. I owe Brno everything. He is my brother with heart as big as Ural Mountains”
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