My Latest Yelp Review Morphs… Or… Story Of My Afterlife

Continued from HERE


Part Two


Detective Mary Gregory was having a shitty day.

She had just come back from a month long vacation (in The Barbadoes) and now?

Now this.

A corpse had been stolen from the St. John’s Hospital morgue and two of the morgue attendants were M.I.A.


She had finally kicked everybody out- the Forensics team wasn’t too happy about this- and had seated herself at one of the desks. She wanted a cigarette but had settled on a piece of nicorette gum. As she pondered the situation, she propped her feet up and summarized.

1) An intruder had entered the morgue and tasered the woman who had worked there.

2) The intruder had removed the cadaver from the freezer and had wheeled him into a waiting, unmarked van.

3) The morgue attendant had given chase. When the van had taken off, the attendant had gotten into her Prius and given chase.

4) There was no cell phone in the woman’s name.

5) The woman was named Stephanie “Steph” Roberts, the man was Max Veerflectin (he had been on Cappuccino run and not returned).

So.  A missing corpse and two missing morgue attendants.


A voice on the walkie-talkie interrupted her revery; the techs would be able to track down the woman’s cell phone once they had traced a last call to the woman’s roommate, but there were clearance issues that hadn’t been resolved. A few hours at least. Mary thanked the man and urged him to stay on top of it. Like fuck.

“Will do,” he answered. And was gone.

She got up and wandered through the morgue again. There was a beaker of some unspecified goo that Forensics had taken samples from. And a trocar labeled “Steph”. And some other tools. What on earth had she been doing? There was no earthly reason for the tech to have been applying/injecting any potion to the corpse.

There were also several empty packs of American Spirits.

Mary wanted one.


She leaned back from the desk and closed her eyes.


Detective Mary Gregory

Detective Mary Gregory


Dr. Avery G. Clarke had just returned form lunch  in a very bad mood. That little bitch in the morgue last night was just.. just too much! The nerve!

The two Ukrainian were nurses who awaited his return were terrified. They stared at their shoes while Dr. Avery had fumed. They had removed their underwear and awaited direction,  glancing nervously at each other.

He had wandered over to his window to stare at the scenery below. After a moment his attention was diverted to the goings on in the morgue parking lot. A lot of cops and hubbub.

A couple of phone calls and was he in the know.

This was great!

A corpse stolen and the two techs were missing- more than he could have possibly hoped for!

He formulated a plan, then- having distractedly fondled his nurses-  went downstairs.

Ivana let out a big breath. She stared at Ruscha and exclaimed,

“Марія і Ісус, який був на волосок!!!”. (“Jesus and Mary, that was a close call!”)

Neither spoke english; they also had only a rudimentary 
understanding of nursing.

"Nyet! Nyet! Nyet! Nyet!", replied Ruscha.

Detective Gregory had let the forensics team back into the morgue and they 
were just wrapping up and heading out. A photographer lingered, taking a 
desultory shot or two, checked his lens, then took a couple of more. Must be a pretty slow day, Mary thought.

She had finally broken down and bummed a couple of Marlboroughs from one off the cops. She was puffing away and deeply distracted when Dr. Avery wandered in and acting intimidated and truly sorry to be bothering the poor detective 

If Mary saw through this act you couldn't tell. She looked duly 
concerned and concentrated hard on what the Doctor was saying.

"Well," he began in a faltering voice, "it's just that a morgue 
tech- a diener- shouldn't be doing to a corpse what Miss Roberts was doing 
to that poor cadaver."

He looked around the lab and shook his head. Mary stared at him, neither 
encouraging him nor dissuading him from continuing his story.

"It was very strange. She was... injecting him with something. 
There were all these... salves and ointments and... uh... lotions and 
creams. And she had a trocar. And she was smoking."

Mary took a drag, staring intently at Dr. Clarke, but she didn't put her 
cigarette out.

"Yes, well... there's no smoking in the hospital."

No reaction.

Dr. Clarke stared a bit longer; the smoke was driving him batshitbut he 
continued on.

"And... and, I know you'll find this hard to believe, but she was talking to him. And playing music. And she was on the phone with somebody. I think her 

He straightened his back, then stared hard at the Detective.

"She was VERY RUDE to me!"

Mary waited for the Doctor to continue.

"Well, that's all I remember. I hope its been helpful to you. In some small 
way." He turned away ready to leave.

"Dr... Clarke?" Mary slid down from the desk, straightening out her suit and arranging her hair.

"Yes?"  He didn't know what to expect.

"What was your relationship with Stephanie Roberts like before? 
Did you know her? To speak to?"

"To speak to? Hmm. I may have a word or two with her. In a professional 

"Because, I'm wondering just what an oncologist was doing down here." She 
leaned away from him, taking him in.

"Well I... I mean there were tissue samples to collect. And lab results. And such not. I'm not quite certain what you're getting at, Detective."

Mary was already turning away and picking papers and reports from he 

"Oh, well thank you, Doctor. You've been a big help."

She was already on the phone and chewing out somebody who dealt with 

Dr. Avery G Clarke, 3rd stood there with an open mouth. Then, for a second 
time, he backed away. Thoroughly dismissed.






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